Musings on the self

Well, after a few weeks of ritalin I am feeling quite happy with the continued level of improvement. I am however feeling a little down on myself in terms of my attitude for the few months prior to this. It is strange, I know that there is a lot of support out there for the idea that Pills Don't Teach Skills (and even a book of with that as the title). But the things I have been able to achieve in a very short period of time leave me looking at the thinks I haven't achieved in the time leading up to this.

Plus I am re-examining my attitude to the way that I allow others to negatively affect my productivity. I know that ADHD is a mental illness (sure, not one as devastating as most) and I know that this being the case the idea that I can make a decision to overcome it is in fact a load of complete crap. Hey you with the depression, cheer up. You with the paranoid delusions, they're not real. And so on...

But there is a real clarity in my thinking now that I haven't had before (even with the Dexies or the strattera). this isn't just relevant to the workplace, it is so much more than that. For example, I had never realised how blind I was to people's faces. Sure, I knew that one of the characteristics of ADHD was a lack of eye contact. But it is only in the last week I had realised how all encompassing that was. I was daydreaming the other day and suddenly realised I was daydreaming faces. Then I realised that this was new. Prior to this, when replaying events in my head I knew who everyone was (well, it's my imagination. I would, wouldn't I) but they did not have faces. Or, certainly they didn't have defined faces with personal traits included. Now all of a sudden they do.

This is odd for me, very, very odd. Not just that this is new but that I had never noticed it missing before and I am now wondering what else is being added to my mental abilities.

But one door opens, does another door close?
Not yet. So far I haven't noticed any decline in my ability to think at tangents. Nor my ability to come up with interesting solutions to things. I have a lot more focus on the mundane which is just helping me to problem solve. I am a very happy man.

So, back to my attitudes. Well, I have often been annoyed at people in my life who restricted me in some ways (some of whom I have mentioned in this blog) and I am currently trying to look back at some of these interactions and get a bit more perspective on how I could have solved these problems more simply. Now, I don't want to leap up and say I was wrong, because that isn't my thinking at this time but I am thinking my way of dealing with people was certainly a contributing factor in some cases. Sure I already knew that, but now I am getting some more insight into exactly how.

So, while I have always been very good at what I do I am looking forward to being much much better for the foreseeable future. Oh and I am changing my mind about the idea of long term ritalin. When I was on the dexies it was only ever for a time, to do a task and move on. I didn't want a long term crutch, I didn't want to loose the edge which my unusual perspective gave me. I would give it up for a time in order to gain some focus but then I'd want to go back to being 'me'. Now, I still feel like I am me but I have gained something more and I am starting to worry that going back would be very Flowers For Algernon.